Green Acres

Moving on...

2006-12-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

So, this blog has migrated to another site. If you want to view the latest, go take a look at it.

Cheers.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 12

2006-11-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

I want so much to be able to shrug off the Internet melancholy that has settled on me. It's a phantom limb when I'm at home, an itch I'm unable to scratch that inexorably leads down the road to bitterness. Getting the guild website put on our new hosting helped considerably; I was so busy doing the work, I wasn't thinking about not having broadband at home. Happily, the move went pretty smoothly; unfortunately, the smooth transition means I'm back to sulking.

We're back to the cycle of calling Clueless Broadband for updates. The latest round now has it that Mr. Flaky will come out and install the antenna and solar panels up at the vineyard; then a new character, we'll dub Fiber Guy for now, will run the fiber optic line from the antenna site down to the house.

Here's the kicker, they have it scheduled for next Wednesday. Like everything with them is "just one more week" away.

At first, my mind spins and I want to scream, "WHY THE HELL AM I BEING FORCED TO WAIT YET ANOTHER WEEK?" Then I settle back into the sullen funk and decide that there's just no fighting this right now. Clueless Broadband has its reasons, just none of them are satisfactory. It would probably be that some other "equipment" will need to be shipped from wherever in order to be sniped by some other installer, pushing us further and further behind until the sun explodes and we all die.

This melancholy is toxic, it's the bad cholesterol of my mind. What's truly despicable is that I've been reduced to a mere shell of a geek, and that I realize that I've been thus diminished. I am a wretch.

There was literally a span of two weeks where I quit shaving in some idiotic form of protest against my perceived injustice. Ridiculous. I finally got tired of scratching at the beard and shaved it back to my goatee. I don't know how Errik can do the chops, I'd be pulling them off the side of my head, leaving bloody gouges where my fingernails ripped the flesh off my jaw.

Yup, I got it bad. I'm having Internet hallucinations. I start to imagine what fun things I'll do when I get broadband at home; then once I remind myself that there's no telling when that's going to happen, I stop the dreaming and just sit and stare at the flat panel in my office. In the evenings, I've taken to reading any and all Warcraft novels I can buy when I'm at a civilized bookstore. When I'm not reading those, I read through various Forgotten Realms books or even sci-fi. I even read Starship Troopers for the first time. Nothing like the movie, but I liked it nonetheless, perhaps more so because Denise Richards wasn't in it.

So there you have it: Internet withdrawal is taking it's toll on me. I don't imagine I'll ever be clean and sober, since I drink greedily at the Internet teat when I'm at work (such as now). But when I get out of the car and walk into the house I feel the desolation return, it might happen right away, or it might take until the last light has been turned off for the night.

Take it from me friends: you don't want to go without Internet this long.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 11

2006-11-27T09:39:00.000-08:00

So, the shine of last week has worn off. After a quick burst of activity before the holiday, all has been silent from Clueless Broadband Co. This is pretty much to be expected for a long holiday weekend, but it didn't improve my mood.

Another thing not improving my mood is out P.O.S. propane generator. The daily ritual of running the genset had been my lot for the first couple months of our existence at the ranch. However, once the solar was installed, we have been really fortunate not to need it more than once or twice. Fast forward to yesterday, where it rained all day, and the batteries were put upon to provide us electricity without the daily boost from the solar panels. The Boss and I agreed that it was time to run the generator for a couple hours to ensure that the batteries were topped off, and so I shuffled out behind the garage to the little lean-to our solar installer built over the genset. I went to turn it over and...

No love. The stupid thing just cranks and cranks until you smell the stinky odorant that is added to the propane. Of course, a couple days earlier on Thanksgiving Day I complained about the generator's inability to start to my brother-in-law (my sister's husband, not The Boss's brother, dubbed BIL) and then went to demonstrate the shortcoming to him.

The generator started on the first try.

So I can only suppose that the generator will only start and run when it's warm and dry out, which is diametrically opposed to the type of whether that we need the generator (i.e. cold and damp).

/me sighs

The generator is not the only activity of the weekend, oh no. With the aforementioned BIL and one of my nephews, we managed to get the WWII-vintage Jeep out of the garage and safely tucked in the carport down the hill a bit. Those Jeeps were so simple, as BIL put it, "it runs on three wires." No kidding, it really does. However, it also runs on six volts instead of twelve. That's a problem, since the battery was as dead as a doorstop. Also, the brake cylinder had no fluid to speak of, so a good deal of time was spent filling and (attempting to) bleed the brakes.

As mechanically inept as I am, even I could work on this Jeep. It's probably the easiest machine to comprehend I've ever seen.

Of course, getting the Jeep out of the garage was still not the end of the fun. We also peeled a huge amount of plastic off of my motorcycle, in order to replace the dead battery on it as well. After many body panels and bolts removed, we managed to replace it; however, the battery I had bought to replace it had sat for a long time, and thus was not up to the job of cajoling the bike to life. We left it as-is, so that I could either recharge or replace (again) the battery and really get the motorcycle running (so I can sell it with great prejudice).

/me sighs again

So, here we are on Monday, I have a Jeep that doesn't run sitting in front of a motorcycle mostly taken apart (also not running), and a fussy generator that only operates in the most idyllic of circumstances. My mechanical Karma seems to be trumped only by my Internet Karma.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that we signed the papers to really sell the house in San Jose. We are merely days away from getting a lot of money, thereby changing our lifestyle considerably. If Clueless Broadband Co. doesn't deliver in the next week, one of my contingency plans includes buying the equipment (solar, batteries, long-haul repeater) and installing in my own antenna site up at the vineyard, at which point I will call one of Clueless Broadband's competitors and have them install their broadband service instead. I may actually invite local journalists to write a story about my experience, since as you've all read over the months, you just can't make this stuff up.

Lessons learned so far...

2006-11-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

So, I started posting forum entries (lighly abridged) from my guild web site. They detail the "adventure" (for want of a better term) of my family's quest for broadband, in whatever form it might be. Having read and re-read these entries, I have made sure that the names have been changed to protect the guilty, and to ensure the lack of libelous content. Apologies in advance for some language, I lost my composure on a few occasions.

It basically spells out our trials and tribulations, from mid-summer to now, that my family has gone through to get broadband to our somewhat remote house, located in the hills of eastern Sonoma County. Let this serve as a lesson to those who claim that broadband is widely available and competitive...

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 10

2006-11-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

The Boss IM'd me a few moments ago to let me know that Mr. Flaky called and actually treated us like customers. He let us know that he's tracking the FedEx shipment containing our equipment, and that, as soon as he has it in hand, he's coming out to start work on installing it.

Naturally, I'm skeptical, but this is the first time that Mr. Flaky has called us unsolicited to update us on the status of things. I'm wondering if the email I sent has shaken something loose over at Clueless Broadband Co. I certainly meant every word of it, including how I was going to approach the newspapers with the Story of the Century (or at least, the story of the week). I would describe the pitch to you guys, but since you've read the "blog", you already have all of my source material that I'd use.

I'll give up-to-the-minute details as things progress (or don't progress, as I'm still way to cynical to start believing in Broadband Claus).

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 9

2006-11-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

The following is an email that I just sent to the owner of the broadband company.

[business owner],

I am assuming that you are the owner of [umbrella company], including [wireless broadband company]. I have written this to discuss some grave concerns regarding how your business is run.

Having just gotten off the phone with my wife [The Boss], I am now at my wits end, and thus bring my appeal to you directly. This is regarding having your wireless broadband product installed at [Randy's Home Address]

My wife and I have patiently (perhaps too patiently) waited since our first scheduled consultation with [wireless broadband company] on October 2 to engage with you and solve our broadband needs. The events of the last few days have now upset us both to the point that we're questioning the quality of service of just about *any* Internet Service Provider in Sonoma County.

[The Boss] mentioned in our last phone conversation (today, around 2PM) that she spoke with you regarding how equipment that is supposedly being set aside for us is being diverted for other installations. The fact that we've been delayed repeatedly (the install has moved from Thursday, Nov.16th at 10am, then Sunday, Nov. 19th at noon, then Tuesday, November 21 at 9am, now Tuesday, Nov. 21 "sometime in the afternoon") angers me. Now I don't particularly care what the circumstances are, but the situation appears to me (and somewhat to my wife) that [wireless broadband company] doesn't want our business. I'll remind you that we've been waiting since the beginning of October, and we're now approaching Thanksgiving. During this time, we've been verbally given dates and times to expect people, and as the process has worn on, the reliability (or lack thereof) of your employees is such that I no longer believe anything that they tell me or my wife. That is a terrible situation, to have prospective subscribers no longer believe your promises or your claims. It is truly a blow to a company's brand and standing, not to mention poisoning the business relationship.

I'm trying to weigh my options here, and there aren't many, and none of them are terribly fun for anyone involved. I am now seriously considering lodging a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, consulting reporters for local newspapers (including the Press Democrat and the Sonoma Index-Tribune), and going even as far as starting my own wireless broadband company so that I can show everyone in Sonoma County how it should be done. What saddens me is that this should never, never have gotten to this point.

Once again, we've been told (and I'm not particularly inclined to believe) that your installer [Mr. Flaky] will be out to our property tomorrow afternoon. My desire is that you manage to get the equipment, even if it means driving across the bay area to get it, and get someone up to our property to start working on it before end of business today (November 20). If you desire to have an up front, honest relationship with your customers and subscribers, please do whatever you personally can to see that this happens. A renewable energy installer that my wife and I know and have done business with once said to me, "you guys don't deserve excuses, you shouldn't have to listen to the excuses of my employees; you deserve results." I now ask that you provide results.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 8

2006-11-20T09:27:00.000-08:00

Why do my installments start with weather these days? I suppose it's just the season. Anyhow, today started with fog and high clouds. It's beautiful the way that the fog is down in the valley below us and the high clouds catch the sunrise. A visual treat denied those who are waking up down in the fog. I guess that's the benefit of living up in the mountains.

The weekend was generally gorgeous, the road up to the ranch is now paved, partly with asphalt, partly with a mix of rock and some kind of non-organic sediment. What makes it "interesting" is that with the occasional rain last week, the non-asphalt part has become somewhat akin to an ice skating rink. That's makes for some frayed nerves, especially that one of the steeper parts of the road is paved with this mucky stuff. The good news on that front is that the repeated driving up and down the hill has created some "less mucky" tire tracks, and so the ruts in the road begin.

So, I wasn't going to bitch and moan about broadband, but I read through all my previous installments, and this one just fits the mold so nicely, I had to mention it.

Friday afternoon, the broadband people called The Boss and the owner of the company was on the phone along with the installer (to whom we're inclined to nickname Mr. Flaky) and told The Boss that Mr. Flaky would be out on Sunday at noon to do the install.

Right.

So Saturday comes, we rent a nice big trailer and head down to San Jose one last time to pack the rest of the garage. I do a dump run, we load the motorcycle into the trailer, the rest of the crap goes in the back and we drive to Lafayette to have a birthday dinner with my mother-in-law. After a bit of a visit, it's now getting late and we drive back up to Sonoma. We get just shy of the Napa/Sonoma county border when there's a HUGE backup. I was on the cell phone headset to The Boss (we were in separate cars) and I told her, "I bet they closed the goddamn highway and are turning around cars." Sure enough, the sheriff drove down toward us, turning everyone around. So we had to go back down south to Vallejo and cut across east to Infineon Raceway just to head north again, adding pretty much another hour to our travel time.

We arrive home on Saturday night around 10:15 PM exhausted, but at least we're completely done with the house in San Jose. All we need to do is wait for the paperwork to settle out and we'll have a heap of money to transform our lives.

I wake up Sunday, trying very hard not to think about the fact that supposedly Mr. Flaky will show up and start us on the road to Internet civilization. The morning went OK, I returned the trailer, came back and cooked a whole pound of bacon and fried eggs for the family.

Then the appointed hour for Mr. Flaky came...

...and went. No show, no call, no reply to voicemail, nothing.

I am so tired of being right about this.

Fast forward to this morning. We get a call from Mr. Flaky, claiming he didn't have our contact info, nor did he have the equipment needed to do the install. Then he goes on to claim that the equipment wasn't even there, and won't show up until this morning! He finishes by stating that he'll be out tomorrow (Tuesday) at 9am to start work.

I smell a rat. A huge rat, that looks and smells like Mr. Flaky.

This is exactly the same line of bullcrap fed to us by the first wireless broadband flunky company that we tried to sign up with.

"Oh, the equipment will be here tomorrow."

"Oh, did I say tomorrow, I really meant next week."

"Oh, did I say next week, actually we'll call you when it comes in."

And while The Boss and I are left with our heads in our hands, these retards strut around claiming they're all about customer service. I'm now seriously considering a call to the BBB or ValueStar or some other consumer advocacy group that can basically warn other people away from using these Internet Snake Oil salesmen.

At any rate, we're now set adrift again. Once again, we're stuck in the purgatory of waiting for someone to come along and deem us worthy. It's incredibly depressing that I need to rely on drooling retards in order to get broadband. I'd much rather put my money into a company that knows what they're doing, knows how to manage a supply chain, and knows how to deal up front and honestly with their customers and prospective clients.

Anybody know of any?

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 7

2006-11-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

You guys are not going to believe this (or, perhaps, you will)...

So, another rainy day today, much lighter than Monday. The road has been mostly paved (the majority with crushed rock and gravel, only the driveway in front of our house shines black with asphalt). No birds are singing up at the ranch, they are all hunkered down in the misty, foggy dew that is "light rain" in the North Bay.

Last night, I spent about an hour clearing out room in my crowded office to make space for whatever equipment the wireless broadband people would bring. Despite my now well-exercised cynical slant toward this (and basically every other) wireless broadband company's track record with us, I was preparing for the "zero hour", "T-minus Internet", or even just seeing "Linky Light" on my router. The Boss joked that "you must be getting excited about this." I answered, "yes, but only cautious optimism."

Today I woke up, tried hard not to think about the fact that I had mentally pegged this day in my mind: today is "Internet Day", the end of the hunger strike, the resumption of my online life (at least after working hours).

But alas, my friends, it is not to be.

Today's excuse: the installer has the flu. To be honest, I should have expected this. In fact, this feeling is now so familiar, I almost can't imagine not being let down in this manner, again and again. I can only imagine that, had we gotten them to schedule us earlier in the week, we would be basking in megabits of luscious Internet goodness. But we had road work to be done, and so now it's "no dice" all over again.

When The Boss called to tell me the news, I laughed, loud. It was perhaps the only response I could come up with, unless I was prepared to weep and scream openly in front of my coworkers. I am so very bitter, so beaten and bruised by this wicked process, I just don't know where to turn. There is always the "S-word" broadband option, but we shan't speak its name. Too slow for too much money, and too much latency to play MMO or talk on VoIP or you-name-it. Where else can you spend hundreds of dollars for equipment and installation just to spend three (or more) times what people two miles away from me spend per month for cable modems or DSL, while getting a fraction of the speed? Hmmm, sounds like a deal, not.

So I'm left with this: it probably means that we won't get broadband before Thanksgiving at this rate. Honestly, no one knows how or when we'll get service started. I can only wonder at how many people have managed to get broadband in the weeks that I waited patiently for them to get around to us. Who else could possibly be in the queue ahead of us at this point? Are there other folks out there in our area who are still pining for broadband, having waited for nearly four months, with little or no other alternative than the pathetic backwater reality of dial-up?

What on Earth is it going to take?

I'm going to go buy a flash drive and download the WoW 1.12 patch to it. Why? Because I have to look forward to something, otherwise I'm going to implode.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 6a

2006-11-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

Apparently The Boss has negotiated with both parties to see to it that Thursday is left open for the Internet peoples to come and break our fast for broadband, and that Friday will be Road Paving Day.

Perhaps it's another karmic tease? Only time will tell.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 6

2006-11-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

It's raining up here in wine country, the leaves are falling off the vines, which actually displayed a brilliant color this year (not as impressive as New England say, but much more colorful than your usual California autumn by far). The days get ever shorter, our new solar installation still manages to charge our batteries every day, even on cloudy and rainy days (sweet). My family will make the pilgrimage from Arizona up here to Sonoma County to spend Thanksgiving with us in another couple weeks. The house is even starting to look like a home, instead of a storage unit.

Finally, the road was scheduled to be paved and graveled this week starting today and ending Wednesday. Then the road guys called and said, "it's raining; we'll start on Tuesday."

But wait...

That means the road crew would be working Tuesday, Wednesday, and THURSDAY. Why does this matter? Thursday was scheduled as the end of our Internet Hunger Strike. I was going to have Broadband-In-The-Boonies. I was going to be able to measure Internet speed in Pr0n-Per-Minute instead of Pr0n-Per-Day. I was going to rejoin the 21st century. I've been reading sci-fi novels and salivating over words like "web" and "jacked-in". I've been silently planning which videos I was going to put in my BitTorrent download queue. I was just starting to imagine what it would feel like to log in to WoW and see all the shocked lines of disbelief in guild chat. I was beginning to envision connecting to EvE, reactivating my account and starting to train my pathetic toon so that I can play in 0.0 space with my corpmates.

Now, any sane person who doesn't live at the end of a one-lane road carved into the side of a canyon might ask: why is road work going to prevent the Internet for coming to live with us? Well, because the road crew would be laying down asphalt and rolling it with their big rollers, and huge heavy machinery will be all along the road, the road becomes impassible all day long. And there's no telling when or whether the Internet guys will reschedule us if they show up Thursday and there's no way for them to do their work.

So now the date might be postponed again by some indeterminate amount of time. We won't know until later today or tomorrow.

This is unbelievable and, at the same time, totally expected. I'm far too cynical at the moment to believe that this was just dumb luck with the weather. I am being subjected to some considerable Karma equalization, apparently.

I'm going to crawl into a ball in the corner and suck my thumb.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 5

2006-11-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling over the last few weeks (since the last update), wondering if I should just abandon the "Internet Hunger Strike" and call Hughes to go with satellite internet, thus condemning myself to lag-filled attempts to play online games, not to mention enduring 300ms to 500ms delays with using my VoIP phone.

Anyhow, we have just received word that the latest suitor for broadband Internet is prepare to schedule our installation. Then, of course, he followed up with a date that was completely unworkable for us. So, now (get this) he's going to see about shuffling his installer's schedule to get us in in the next couple weeks (updated: scheduled 11/16).

That means we'll have been without broadband for a total of 119 days (assuming the install happens by the 16th). Considering the last time I played online (which was, I think, before Independence Day), I will have gone 136 days without gaming. Damn, almost like I was clean and sober or something...

This is, of course, assuming that the latest promise doesn't get broken yet again.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 4b

2006-10-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Look upon the face of frustration and know me.

based on my former experience, I'm going to sit and just watch quietly until it actually happens.

So. The, um, wireless broadband guys? They didn't show up today. They were allegedly on the "job from Hell" up the hill from our house (indeed, they called it a "debacle"), and it was going "horribly wrong," and so they postponed their visit to us until tomorrow morning.

This leads me to editorialize the following, since there's nobody else who will listen.

If you ever, ever go into a service business (esp. a high-tech one), please understand that you will deal with customers from time to time (such as me) who are so beaten down with frustration that when you let them down, it seriously affects the business relationship for all time. Yes, this is corollary to "you never get a second chance at a first impression," but it goes somewhat deeper.

Perception is a tricky thing: when it's on your side, you can do no wrong, you are the King of the World, and everybody loves you; when it's against you, you are somehow tainted, afflicted, or otherwise damaged goods, and it takes much more than double the effort to regain your former glory.

This is my opinion of wireless broadband in Eastern Sonoma County. The current players are all retards, who can't condescend to serve a customer with pocketfuls of money ready and willing to throw at the problem of Internet connectivity. $500/month for a proper T1 all the way out here in the boonies is starting to sound appealing.

Of course, there is the perception (in my mind at least) of about a 1.11% (repeating, of course) chance that I will have broadband tomorrow. Then this diatribe will be a happy memory that I can laugh about as I BitTorrent about a million movies to make up for this frustration.

Off I go to the gimp-land of dialup, for perhaps the last night.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 4a

2006-09-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

My blushing bride, who shall now be named "The Broadband Hunter", has located another wireless broadband company who has installed broadband (just last week) to our neighbor down the hill from us. They are scheduled this coming Monday (October 2) to install a new wireless broadband connection at our house.

Normally, I would be whooping and shouting at this news, but based on my former experience, I'm going to sit and just watch quietly until it actually happens.

Wish me luck.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 4

2006-09-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, starting this coming Thursday, I'll be enjoying mucho DSL again (oh, happy day!) Of course having been stung by false promises, I take this all with the caveat of, "I'll believe it when I see it." But I do so totally hope that I'll come home Thursday, fire up my computer, patch my WoW to the latest rev, and log in for the first time in over two months.

That paragraph quoted up there is what they call in the business "a naive fucking dream". The Broadband Gods gazed upon me and sayeth, "Thou shalt tarry a while more in Purgatory (aka Dialup), thou hath not proven thyself worthy of bitrates in excess of 28.8kbps."

In short, DSL crapped out. They confirmed (as I originally expected) that we are too fucking far away from the CO to get DSL. Period.

So, that is a bit like being sent back to square one (again) in order to find the next candidate solution to the broadband problem. Each avenue we exhaust brings us closer to satellite internet (which spells doom for my gaming habit and VoIP phone).

This sucks, it just sucks, pure and simple.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 3

2006-09-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

We have been in discussion with this one local (i.e. two-man operation) wireless broadband company to get hooked up. Well, after many broken promises and countless delays, the guy has basically sent the message of "don't call me anymore, I'll call you if and when the needed hardware shows up (but don't hold your breath)."

This was the week before last, and I have been living in Dialup Hell for so long, I usually wait to read my email and keep up with the forums while I'm at work (BAD EMPLOYEE).

Anyhow, this lead to a full-court press to find an alternative source of broadband that a) wasn't satellite, so I can use VoIP and do gaming; and b) doesn't cost $500/month to have a T1 dragged up to the ranch.

Now, imagine it's Thursday, September 14. You're my wife and you've just found out that your neighbor down the canyon is selling their 35+ acre parcel, site fully prepped for someone to walk in and start building, for a cool 2.5 million clams. As you read the MLS listing online (at groaning dialup speed), you spy the words "DSL ready".

"DSL ready"? It's gotta be a typo, those guys are less than a mile from US and we are a looooooong way from the CO (like 10 miles). You call up AT&T (formerly SBC) and lo! they have checked the phone line and of course we can sign up for the 3 megabit DSL service!

So, some backstory: as part of the preparations to sell that multi-million dollar property, we believe our neighbors paid (dearly) to have a portable CO/DSLAM put in at the end of the county road (a mere 0.96 mile away from our house).

So, apparently, starting this coming Thursday, I'll be enjoying mucho DSL again (oh, happy day!) Of course having been stung by false promises, I take this all with the caveat of, "I'll believe it when I see it." But I do so totally hope that I'll come home Thursday, fire up my computer, patch my WoW to the latest rev, and log in for the first time in over two months.

I have been remiss...

2006-08-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize it's been many, many moons since posting here. This space is not forgotten however.

We have made the move north to Sonoma, we now have all of our stuff (and Jen's grandmother's stuff) crowded into the house up there. The last couple months have been spent clearing boxes, cleaning out the old house (not to mention dealing with the handy man who is fixing it up for sale) and starting a new job in Napa.

Add on top of that, no solar yet (scheduled now for mid-September) and no broadband ("any day now" is the answer we keep getting), and you might better understand why the blog world has been getting less than my full attention. My bad.

Anyhow, the time for stability is coming; I have the feeling that in the next few weeks, we'll be truly settled in at the new house, just in time for Ellie's 4th(!) birthday.

Can you say "housewarming?" I knew you could.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 2

2006-08-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

Still no broadband, it's like this one company that keeps saying, "[the equipment] will be in any day now", they don't want my freaking money.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, the boxes are clearing. Now we have a dog that likes to run off to our neighbors (about 3/4 mile up the hill) and mooch dog food from them. Solar isn't installed yet (and is now looking to happen after Labor Day). We have a house cleaner showing up on Sept. 9 to clean the cabin up the hill, after which we can move a bunch of extra furniture that is sitting in our living room.

New job is interesting, in a "multi-car pileup on the interstate" kinda way. Keeps me busy from the moment I show up until I look up and realize its after 5pm.

That's about it for now. Miss everybody, miss being able to browse the freaking Internet from my couch, let alone gaming.

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Chapter 1

2006-08-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

Back from San Diego. Had fun, lack of computer was, well, painful to say the least. My Treo (from work) made the pain a little more bearable, but only barely.

I'm still limping along at dial-up speed (31kbps FTL). The only difference now is that I'm doing dial-up speed with all my full-size, full-speed computers (instead of the iBook G4 that my wife has been using for two years now).

At any rate, I'm trying to get the attention of the wireless broadband folks that I've been going back-and-forth with. If only they'd return my calls, I'd be willing to throw great gobs of money at them so that I can be online, or at least not have to get up and drink a beer each time I click a link on ANY web site (after six clicks, I'm basically ready to sleep).

Boxes everywhere, furniture where it's not supposed to be, and I start my new job on Tuesday, FUN!

The Street of Broken Broadband Dreams, Prologue

2006-07-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

So, the deed, as they say, is done. I am now a resident of Sonoma County. I now live in a house that is off the grid (powered by a propane generator), water comes from a spring, and sits 2 miles up a gravel road. Also useful to note is the fact that the living room that I sit in is stacked to the ceiling (and roughly 50% of the square footage) with boxes and furniture.

Worst of all, no broadband yet. Yup, this is being sent via dialup.

I will advise as the situation changes. However, I will be on vacation for two weeks starting Sunday, so I am not guaranteed to be in touch all that much. After that, we'll see how long it takes for things like solar electricity and wireless broadband to be installed.

Wish me luck, I'm going to turn off the generator and go to sleep.

Kids these days...

2006-07-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

So, Ellie got to tear up the sidewalk on her tricycle for basically the first time ever. We took her on a trip around the block, and got to see all kinds of interesting things. About 5 minutes into the walk, I realized that I should be taking video of the proceedings (such as I could with a RAZR and it's stunning 176x144 pixel video capture).

Enjoy.

Backhoe!

2006-07-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every man's life where he must learn to operate heavy machinery, if only to say that he's done it. The smell of diesel exhaust, the sound of the engine straining as it works the hydraulic pump, the smell of the earth yielding to steel as shovels dig, as loaders load, as augurs... um... augh...

Anyway, have you ever wondered (as I have come to wonder in recent days) exactly how to operate a backhoe? I know, it's muy macho. Just the thought of wielding the ultimate union of man and machinery against earth and stone sends me reeling. So, what better way to find out more than using the Internets!

Bush Hog has an online user's manual!
You can build your own!

I find it interesting that there appears to be consistent layout for the backhoe controls. I suppose I was thinking that each manufacturer would want to "lock you in" to their products' controls by "pulling a Microsoft". That's really just the computer geek in me talking.

We've got updates!

2006-06-25T16:39:00.000-07:00

So, there's a few items on the laundry list that haven't been mentioned in a while:

The "terrestrial wireless broadband" company we've been talking to looks like they'll be able to get a signal up to the ranch using the 900MHz spectrum. I have to check back with them the week after Independence Day.
We visited a "neighbor" (who spend weekends at their house on Cavedale Dr., only a couple ridges over from us) who has grid-tied solar installed by one of the solar companies from whom we got a bid. We visited their installation, which was very slick (though it wasn't entirely relevant, since we're off-the-grid). Very friendly folks, and a gorgeous view (imagine being able to see Mt. Tam from the hills due north of Sonoma, that tells you the view they have)
I'm frantically updating my knowledge of Java. Just to give perspective: when I last was a Java expert, there were about 230 classes, now there's 3500+.
We've got a modest budget together to do the highest-level repairs and preparations for selling the house. Topping the list: replacing the wood floors.
We're mere days away from knowing definitively which solar installer we're going to go with, and the money's together; it's now just a question of how soon can they start, and how soon the install can be finished.

Yeah, that ought to do it.

The move, as they say, is on...

2006-06-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

So, no more equivocating. No more denying, procrastinating, and otherwise delaying. I have a new job coming (it is 99% official; awaiting background check and drug screen results, neither of which has me sweating), and that means it's time for Green Acres to really happen.

CRAP.

That means I really have to sell and move out of this house that I'm comfortably seated in. It means I have to move myself to a location that is still pretty foreign to me. And it means I'm in for the adventure I swore I was going to undertake more than a year ago.

CRAP.

So, instead of packing and boxing all of my belongings, I'm stalling for time. Of course, the fact that it is Jen's birthday today gives me an excuse. The trouble begins in the morning, when we're day-tripping to the ranch to move more boxes. The $650 Trailer(tm) that I purchased already needs repairs, and I'll have to do that in the morning before loading it up and hitching it to the truck for the 100-mile journey.

CRAP.

The cell phone antenna will set you free

2006-05-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

So, to follow up my earlier post regarding cell phone repeaters: my test using the high-gain antenna were successful. I was able to get two whole bars of reception with the antenna mounted on a portable mast and pointed generally at the valley below.

This, of course, doesn't mean all that much; I'm currently looking at what it will take to get a proper post and mast installed further up on the ranch, then have a really low-loss cable run down near the ranch house for the repeater amp. But, the point is that I can have something up and working that even temporarily provides mobile phone reception at least inside the ranch house, if not all around the ranch. And that, as they say, is a good thing.

A geek's solution to power consumption

2006-05-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

This thing rocks. [p3international.com] It rocks so much, people want to share them [greenermiami.com].

P3 International's Kill-A-Watt, as many other sites/blogs have reported, is designed to give you the power of knowledge. What kind of knowledge, you ask? Well, let me tell you, brother:

This will tell you how good your electricity is (from a voltage standpoint), it tells you instantaneous (updated every second) amps, watts, volt-amps [wikipedia.org] (not the same as watts, to be sure), how many cycles/sec (i.e. hertz), and the kilowatt-hours [wikipedia.org] of whatever you plug into it.

I plugged our entertainment center into it (including TV, DVD, DirecTiVo, VCR, and 5.1 receiver), and was actually surprised that it drew an average of 150W when we watched stuff, and about 35W when "idle" (DirecTiVo never truly turns off, you know). Apparently watching the boob tube isn't quite the load on our PG&E bill that I once thought.

Most telling was to find out that my PowerMac G5 pulls a nominal 200W, when it's doing light workloads. If it involves hard disks and the processors get worked, it can easily double to around 400W. A sobering notion, which makes me wonder if I should sell the beast and get myself a MacBook Pro [apple.com].

Outdoor Cell Phone Repeaters

2006-05-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Anybody who knows the location and terrain of the ranch realizes that there's basically no cell phone coverage down in the meadow or up at the house. In order to make or receive a call, you have to walk about halfway to the vineyard, and that's to get just one bar of coverage (about -90dBi).

So I've undertaken a quest to find a cell phone repeater solution that:

Allows me to aim a high-gain directional antenna up near the vineyard, in sight of the commercial radio tower across the Sonoma valley, and
Allows me to place an omnidirectional antenna down near the house, in order to provide mobile phone coverage to the canyon.
Doesn't cost thousands of dollars.

To start, I've purchased the high-gain antenna along with a cable and adapter to allow me to aim the antenna. I'm going to experiment with temporarily installing the antenna at the ranch house and aim it down into the valley to see how much better the signal is.

Of course, the added wrinkle here is that in order to place a repeater like that, I'll need electricity...

For those about to job-hunt, we salute you

2006-05-24T01:30:00.000-07:00

I am now in full job-hunt mode. I've stopped just short of outright quitting my current job (mostly to keep the house paid up and the lights on). The situation at my current job has a lot to do with the resolve to find something else. But facing the very real and increasingly imminent move north to the ranch tends to crystalize my thinking.

I'm looking naturally at IT-related positions, though I continue to find personal interest in moving toward a more marketing or public relations area. Do they hire analysts to analyze the analysts that analyze a company? I gotta believe that somewhere, someone's doing exactly that.

Bottom line: there's jobs in them thar hills, and I only have to find one.

New mobile phone smell

2006-05-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

I walked into work Monday sporting my new (now one-generation-behind) Moto RAZR V3 [Wikipedia]. This sparked a controversy to which I was previously oblivious: apparently, I have the reputation amongst my friends at work that I somehow suffer from "mobile phone ADD" [Urban Dictionary] or somesuch. They claim that I get a new phone every couple months (which is, of course, patently false).

At first, I attempt to reason with my friends. This naturally gets me nowhere, since I'm being double-teamed at the time. Then I up the ante by starting to raise my voice, at which point we invoke my good friend Mark's infamous "Mr. Furious" [Wikipedia] schtick, where they just keep saying, "No, Randy, you're wrong," no matter how much I present logic and facts, until I get so frustrated that I want to start caving heads in with blunt objects. Then of course we laugh at the top of our lungs (or, at least I do) and continue walking to lunch.

The only truth I take away from the episode is this: perception is reality. I apparently need to work on my reality-shaping skills.

Edited to update the sites to where the links in the post go. I've seen it done, and am conflicted; does anybody care if this is done?

King Tut, how I knew thee...

2005-09-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Monday at 4:00 P.M. is a great time to visit the King Tut exhibit at LACMA. We walked in with no waiting, though the rather unapologetic attitude taken by the staff on site (no cameras, no cellphones with cameras, no cellphones powered on, no recording devices, no bags of any kind) didn't set an upbeat tone. However, being open-minded, we left our bag at the bag check, and proceeded through what could only be described as the "holding pen," ostensibly for the weekends, when the need to corral hundreds of people and trickle them through the exhibit like the human equivalent of a IV drip.

Once in the holding pen, we were told that our tickets did not include the audio tour, but if we would only spare US$6 per head, we could be tantalized by the sultry and exotic voice of Omar Sharif. Unable to resist the siren call of Hollywood actors with Middle Eastern names, we purchased the use of the headsets and continued on.

Once past the IV drip, we were frisked by guards at the actual door, then ushered through a short hallway to the introductory theater. I was struck by how polished the video production was, and how high I had to crane my head to watch the short video (again narrated by Sharif, complete with ominous soundtrack). The mystery of the neck-stretching was revealed when the video ended, and the lights came up cleverly to reveal, under the screen and behind it, the first piece in the gallery (a wooden bust of Tutankhamun).

However, as I had my young daughter with me, that's where the fun ended. The headset was the first thing to fall by the wayside. I was too absorbed with keeping an eye on her to spare more than a glance at the wonders of Tut's ancestors, let alone listen to the audio tour describing the exhibit pieces. Next to go was the pretense that I was in the museum to do anything other than amuse her, or at the very least, keep her quiet. Yes, three year old girls have little concept of what being quiet entails. Even though other people are quietly shuffling between glass cases filled with artifacts, my child is perfectly happy saying in her outdoor voice, "Daddy, I wanna leave, I wanna leave, I wanna leave..." It wasn't long before I had handed my headset back at the other end, having carried my kid through 75% of the gallery at a brisk walk.

So, suffice it to say, I didn't get a great look at anything, except perhaps the gift shop and the childrens' gallery annex next to the exhibit entrance. I did, however, see enough to come away agreeing with criticisms from friends that had gone before me to see King Tut's treasures. That is, that the exhibit is more about Tut's ancestors and relatives than really about his tomb and the pieces uncovered by Howard Carter back in 1922. It had an extensive bit about the investigation done by the National Geographic Society into Tut's sudden death at the age of 19, but didn't go into significantly more detail than the magazine itself (June 2005). Compared to the original exhibit that I had seen as a child at the DeYoung Museum in San Francisco, this exhibit was, sadly, more flash than substance.

What not to do with your three-year-old kid while vacationing in Los Angeles

2005-09-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

Stay in Hollywood and day-trip to Disneyland in Anaheim. The downside: the hour-plus drive each way. Never underestimate L.A. Freeways and their ability to slow you down when and where you least expect. The only upside was the 45 minute nap our daughter took on the return trip. If I had to do it all over again, I'd opt for one of the Disneyland Resort packages and just limit the trip to Disneyland and the California Adventure.
Take your kid on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. The fact is that the Wild Ride is actually a moral lesson on being a good driver (if you've never done it, let's just say it culminates with a steamy trip down below to visit the Big Red Dude). It is definitely not It's A Small World with a steering wheel. Stay clear of this ride until your kids are at least six or seven.
Take your kid to see the King Tut exhibit. While at first our child was excited about finding “the treasure,” when we got to the most gorgeous lapis and gold artifacts, she said, “that's not treasure”. Let's face it: King Tut is about death and afterlife, and those themes don't mix with our kid. Find a babysitter or just visit the Children's Museum next door, complete with painting, drawing and crafts that are much more appealing to small children.
Make your kid walk from the Santa Monica's Muscle Beach all the way to the end of the Pier and back. Parking a quarter mile away and getting your kid to walk past Muscle Beach and all the way down the Pier is great exercise for little tykes. Where it comes back to bite you is when you don't bring something to carry them (stroller, sling, whatever) and they get tired, your arms will scream all the way back.
Have your bat-wielding kid practice playing baseball while in the stands at Dodger Stadium. Your kid desires the cute little wooden bat. You say, “it only costs six bucks and it's pink, what the heck?” But now understand that you've armed your child with a blunt object capable of wreaking havoc not only in front of her, but all around her. Wait until you leave to buy it, or expect to miss several innings while she practices her swinging technique in less-trafficked areas of Dodger Stadium.
Let the afternoon nap slip or lapse completely because you're occupied. Because you're on vacation, it's easy to overlook the need for your kid to get enough sleep, especially if he or she is reluctant in any way. Our poor daughter had the most sunken, swollen, bloodshot eyes, she was a zombie without even knowing or accepting it. The only cure was insisting on naps and early bedtimes. Both her mood and ours were much improved by it.
Plan more than one attraction per day. We were cursed with trying to do too much with too little time. We really had just three days to spend, but we had about five places we had on our agenda. This meant time pressure going to and coming from destinations in order to fit more than one destination per day, which transforms a vacation into work, and that's just not what vacationing is about.

The house where we used to live in...

2005-02-26T10:06:00.000-08:00

I found this house at 6439 Berwickshire, but was at a loss to understand where the house I spent my high school & college years went to.

If you find out, please let me know.

--
Sent from Randy's Treo

Entropy, how do I love thee...

2005-01-27T09:37:00.000-08:00

Mark talks about how he loves to create, but can't stand the upkeep...

But when my friends starting saying things like, “You know this reminds me of my pa’s corn fields back in Iowa” or “I could swear I saw a pair of eyes staring back at me when I looked into that prairie behind your house”, I got the message ...

Every time I look at my house (front yard, back yard, garage, driveway, kitchen, bedroom(!), living room, office, etc.) I know exactly what he's talking about...

How does one say "no" to this face?

2005-01-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

Taken in October, 2004. Ellie is very much accustomed to mugging for the camera. Occasionally though, she give a very natural expression, and reminds me of how cool my kid is...

--
Sent from Randy's Treo

So, it happened today...

2005-01-27T09:01:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning, checked my phone, and the phone network said "Cingular" instead of "AT&T Wireless".

So, it's done. AT&T Wireless is officially gone. I'll probably never see those friendly words appear on my phone again.

I have to say that I've been reasonably happy with AT&T Wireless over the years, and I can only hope that my experience will continue under the combined company. The only bump in the road is that two months ago, we called them to discontinue our data plans (since neither of us use it). Trouble is, the charges still show up on our bill, to the tune of an extra $50 a month for something we don't use.

Ouch.

Viticulture & Enology Trivia #1

2005-01-25T08:08:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the biggest difference between making red & white wines is that with red wine, the skins are in the "mix", as it were?

Smells like holiday spirit...

2005-01-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

Taken mid-December of last year. Ellie was dressed up for her Christmas photo, and expressed her opinion of being made to mug for the camera.

Nick Ciarelli is the latest "everyman"...

2005-01-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard, Nick Ciarelli is currently lined up in Apple's legal crosshairs for publishing details of unreleased products in advance of the MacWorld show that wrapped up last week in San Francisco. Matt Rothenberg puts it nicely:

While I'm ethically opposed to “outing,” I'm glad Nick has taken this step voluntarily. It makes it easier for me to acknowledge that I've had the pleasure of corresponding with this prodigiously talented young man since his middle-school days and that I have every confidence in the standards he maintains when reporting Mac news.

On the other hand, I'm less certain about Apple's standards in light of its apparent desire to see First Amendment rights limited to print magazines and large media companies.

"Full" disclosure: I work for an "architectural competitor" to Apple. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to guess which one.

Not that I think it has bearing on this particular story, because this has more to do with whether a company can sue the pants off of someone who has a claim, however tenuous, of being a journalist (even if he's only published on the Internet). It also sits as an legal indication of the status of what a blog can be. Is it just "fooling around on the Internet", or is it the "journalism of the 21st century"? If it's the latter (and I personally hope it's true), then Apple should not prevail in it's trade secrets-oriented lawsuit, or at least Mr. Ciarelli should be treated with the same regard as a journalist.

If you feel as I do, go sign a symbolic, but likely ineffectual petition for Nick's "freedom".

OK, I'm done with the soapbox routine for now...

Ever notice: Gummy bears...

2005-01-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

I just wasted $1 at a vending machine in my office. I bought a horrific-ly bad plastic baggy of mushy gummy bears. I won't grace this purchase with the word "Gummi Bears", as I associate that with something completely different.

The trouble is that there's no texture, no tooth, to these miserable confections. A fine gummy bear is like pasta al dente: it should resist you biting the head of the little see-through bear, but only a little...

A clever title phrase eludes me...

2005-01-13T08:55:00.000-08:00

Just saw that my buddy Mark has started his own blog, partly at my urging, and I believe partly because he has a keen interest in both writing and getting his work published. Both of these things I see blogging can facilitate, if you don't let it derail you.

Anyhow, good luck to the man, and read his writing (when he gets around to posting it). I'll link to him pretty consistently, if only for the fact that I lunch with the man almost daily.

Ah, friendship.

On a slightly different note, Blogger's email blogging capability is teh SUXX0R right now, entries that I sent by email took more than 24 hours to post. I'll probably think of something else to blog while away from my desk...

Morning thought...

2005-01-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

When does a mid-life crisis happen?

--
Sent from Randy's Treo

What goes on the road stays on the road...

2005-01-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Taken one late spring morning in 2003 on the way to my job in Sausalito.

At that time, I was riding my motorcycle up Interstate 280 each day, and the seat would make my butt hurt something fierce. Luckily there is a rest stop just about at half distance that I could pull over and walk around for 10-15 minutes to stop my tailbone from screaming at me.

On this particular morning, this bus was parked at the rest stop. It was covered from top to bottom, stem to stern with semi-religious, quasi-prophetic text, and it struck me as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I only got a few pictures taken before I spooked the occupants and the bus drove off...

A nice face to start the day...

2005-01-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

While I work at my desk 5 days a week, I don't always stop to appeciate at least part of the reason I'm there...

Self-expression? No problem...

2005-01-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

Taken at Ellie's grandmother's house in Orinda, she vocalized her delight at playing with dad in the backyard, culminating in this fine shot of her tonsils.

When it rains, it pours...

2005-01-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

So in the gloom of a Bay Area rainstorm, it seems strangely appropriate to discuss gloomy things.

I found out last night that one of my good friends was diagnosed Tuesday with Multiple Sclerosis. This was a shock to me, as it was the first I had heard of any health problem with him. The stress and strain of this diagnosis is only multiplied by the fact that he now has a very newborn kid that arrived only a few weeks ago.

Somehow, the problem of having a child with club feet seems considerably easier to handle. Especially when you consider the treatments that are available to kids diagnosed with it. Success stories abound, and we're already looking at it like our kid will have a completely normal childhood and life despite this.

MS, on the other hand, is a considerably different matter. Sadly, all I know about it is what I see on The West Wing, and it doesn't look terribly pleasant. Obviously, I'm now researching two disorders now, in addition to keeping my head above water elsewhere.

Wickenberg, how I knew thee...

2005-01-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Taken while on our annual road trip into the Valley of the Sun. This was mostly for the benefit of our dogs Elsa (Weimaraner) and Zoe (Siberian Husky), though Ellie was also appreciative.

Oh look, the batteries ran out...

2005-01-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

It just goes to show you that even two-year-olds run out of steam at some point. This was just before Ellie's second birthday.

It's good to have friends...

2005-01-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

Ellie and her friend Isabelle have been pretty friendly since they were little lumps that could barely sit up, let alone slide down a Little Tikes play structure.

This was a moment during one of the 2004 birthday parties we went to, and the both of them were kind enough to take a moment and pose.

You too can learn to make wine with your DVD player...

2005-01-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

So this morning I picked up the DVD's that UC Davis sent me for the extension course "Introduction to Winemaking". I'm a combination of excited and daunted by this, as it's the first real school I've taken in a few years (especially that I'm doing it for credit and a grade), and it's a field that I have relatively little experience in (save for my interest in homebrewing beer)

As an added bonus, I've decided to take a welding(!) class at the Santa Clara County vocational school. That ought to be a fun time, and I expect to be one of the oldest people taking it.

So, school days once again, in advance of Violet's arrival...

We all have our "Special Purpose"...

2005-01-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

And I realize I haven't fully articulated that here.

This is a web log about the life and times of a Silicon Valley lifer attempting to adapt his life and his family's life to a low-tech lifestyle. Our goal is to move from San Jose, California up to the Sonoma wine country and adopt a more agricultural living arrangement. Now, while that doesn't mean I won't be involved in doing something high-tech (or bringing some sort of fusion of high-tech and agriculture), it does mean that it's a big life-altering choice.

And I choose my words carefully here, not only to be clear in what I'm saying, but because I participated in this little thing called the Landmark Forum, which has totally altered how I approach life. In fact, I'd say that the chief reason I'm doing both this blog and the move north is that the Landmark Forum has clarified what I want to be up to in my life.

I expect over time that any and all topics of my life (except my work life, since I have no desire to be Dooced) will be examined here. My life should be an open book, so I declare it to be open. Much better to let the sun shine in than skulk around in the shadows. Either way, time's a-wasting!

Enough for now, just sit back and enjoy the show.

And Violet was her name-oh...

2005-01-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

We just decided that our next daughter's first name will be Violet. Of course, it's what we're calling a "working name" for the time being. Who knows, we might find a better one.

Code name: Violet

And I've also decided that being ashamed and embarrassed about my unborn daughter's clubbed feet is totally inauthentic and doesn't serve anything. So I'm giving that up. Now the conversations I have about her won't just be that the ultrasound yesterday showed that she's a girl, but also that she's got something interesting going on with her feet.

We have yet to schedule the next ultrasound, which will be a bit more intense to verify that her feet are the only issue (since sometimes clubbed feet can apparently be accompanied by heart problems and the like). If there are further issues, it may very well derail the home birth we had planned this to be. But I'm more interested in having a healthy child than having a home birth.

One of these things is not like the others...

2005-01-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

This morning, we spent a full half-hour with an ultrasound specialist looking at my new daughter(!) I haven't ever watched an ultrasound for that long, it was an extended tour of my wife's abdomen, and our guide was definitely an expert. We even got a videotape of the tour, complete with microphones in the room to record our reactions as we took the journey. He started by checking the baby's profile, her genitals (obviously) and her hands and feet. That's when we saw something odd...

It looks like both of the baby's feet are curled inwards (although normally sized), which definitely isn't normal. Our guide was very matter-of-fact, even assured us that it might clear up on its own, but that a follow-up u-sound was warranted. I was riveted. It was like watching a car wreck on the side of the road. Every time the wand passed over the baby's legs, I couldn't pry my eyes away from the strangely oriented feet.

There's something wrong with the baby.

I broke out in a tiny bit of a cold sweat.

Crap. I feel helpless to do anything, the baby is still 'in the oven'. CRAP.

Already, visions of my new daughter emerging with deformed ankles and feet, thoughts of having surgeries done, that my daughter would be all bandaged, perhaps even in a cast for part of her infancy. Images of her being handicapped for her whole life race through my head. I'm struck silent by the possibility. I regret knowing, and now I wish I hadn't shown up to the u-sound.

Of course, I put on a good face for everyone. Our two-year-old daughter is along for the visit, and she's gravitated toward me for the duration, as she's playing shy-girl with our u-sound tour guide. Mom's holding it together, taking everything in stride. I specifically avoid referring to the baby's feet and their strange orientation.

Baby is the right length, fingers and toes (except orientation) all there, eyes, heart, spine all look like textbook baby ultrasound. Our guide wraps things up, We wrap up the visit, I kiss mom and daughter and I head back to the office. I'm now useless and sitting in the cafe at the office, staring at my notebook screen and unable to get anything started.

Crap.

I already know I'm comparing my new daughter, not even born, to my current (only) daughter. I know I love her, and that she's going to be a wonderful, beautiful child. I know that if this is the hand she is dealt, she will play it with her family backing her all the way. But still that seed of doubt is planted and I feel it growing.

Crap.

It's difficult to be touched, moved, and inspired, and it seems impossible to feel powerful when you see your daughter, still in the womb, with something that may be a problem. It's like you want to ask, "So, can we massage it back into shape?" "Do we have to wait until she's born to do something?" and the like. All there is to do is wait and check on it later.

No answers yet, only the seed, planted and growing in my mind.

Crap.